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Nov 21
Love0

What I Wish I’d Known When I Was a Young Mama

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Ah, how exciting. All these years of writing and blogging and today I get to write the post that’s been on my mind since 2002…

Because, when I was a young mama, this is the kind of stuff I needed…another mom, a bit further down the mothering road than I was, but not so far that she’d forgotten what foods a one-year-old will choke on and, related, how to do the baby Heimlich.

While normally I like to give principles and not prescriptions, today I’m going to be taking a break from that philosophy and laying it on thick. So, here it goes, nineteen years of mothering condensed down into one (relatively) short list, starting with pregnancy and moving all the way to letting children leave the nest:

1. There is never a perfect time to get pregnant and you will never have enough money to start your family. Do it anyway.

2. Don’t tell everyone what you plan to name the baby. They will pipe in with why they hate it and spoil it for you. Emily, for example, was previously named Jessamyn Rayanna, but I made the mistake of telling people. If you wait until the baby is born, however, to announce the name, your family will declare it the finest one since Mary named Jesus.

3. Enjoy that moving belly every moment you can. You will miss it the most out of all your pregnancy memories.

4. Take the drugs.

5. Let the nursery take the baby for a few hours. You’ll need the head start.

6. Accept help. Especially if it comes in the form of hot lasagnas delivered to the door by your Ya-Yas.

7. Don’t create a Pinterested life. Happiness with your baby does not come from some vision someone else puts in your head of how it should look, but in accepting your unique experience and reveling in la difference, not in la perfect ideal that doesn’t exist. Rinse and repeat for every issue you will ever encounter with your child.

8. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

9. Reading stimulating literature is a salvation for a mama with three under three. Adjust to your temperament: Painting may be your thing instead, but do something.

10. Teach the baby to sleep on his own. 

11. Read Mother Teresa on mothering (The Greatest Love).

12. Studies consistently show that firm rules with lots of love makes the healthiest, happiest kids. Tuck that one away.

13. Memorize this mantra I learned from my college orchestra conductor: Keep your wits about you. 

14. When you feel the slightest stress building, sit down and breathe slowly for one full minute. Don’t wait for the full coronary.

15. Tend and water your body, mind, and soul, daily.

16. Pray for EVERY situation…not just when you’re at your wit’s end.

17. When your child is most unlovely and the most unlovable, love him the most.

18. There is no one method, philosophy, or formula…so quit looking for it and enjoy the scenery on your own journey.

19. Don’t stop hugging and kissing them just because they get facial hair. If you never stop, it never gets awkward.

20. Worry more about living life than documenting it.

21. Worry less about being perfect and more about being kind.

22. Bend to the moment.

23. Work yourself out of a job by teaching your child from birth to be competent and capable.

24. Model every trait you want your children to have and gently forgive yourself when what you model isn’t what you want them to be.

25. Be a safe confessional.

26. Talk at them less and with them more.

27. “Work while you work, play while you play. One thing, each time, that is the way. All that you do, do with your might, things done by halves are not done right.” In other words, double-tasking is a soul sucker. Do one thing at a time as often as you can.

28. “What you can’t get out of, get into wholeheartedly”—Mignon McLaughlin

29. Say ‘yes’ more often, if you are on the strict end of the spectrum.

30. Say ‘no’ more often, if you are on the soft end of the spectrum.

31. Don’t overcontrol your teenagers. Now should be the time to loosen the reigns, not tighten them like you did when they were two.

32. This, too, shall pass.

33. Exercise, even a little, every day.

34. Never, ever compare your life/child/home with another mom.

35. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect to live and enjoy right now. Even if thatright now means you have three in diapers, are expecting twins, and just bought a puppy.

 

This article was written by Amy Henry and can be found here.

Nov 19
Love0

Can I love my child too much?

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A number of years ago, as a homeschool mother, I sat with some ladies offering comfort and encouragement to another mom we knew who wanted to homeschool, but whose husband was against it. She would not go against his wishes, but it was hard for her.  This woman was certain that her life as a mother was doomed to failure unless she homeschooled.  An older and wiser woman commented saying, “Be careful that you don’t let homeschooling become an idol.”

 

This was not something I had really considered before.  As I thought more and more about it in the ensuing weeks, I did see how homeschooling could become an idol. Furthermore, as time went on, I began to see that our children, themselves, can become idols in our hearts.  This is not an attempt at an indepth discussion of the topic; that is beyond the scope of any one blog post.  I do want to share, though, some thoughts about the reality that our children can become idols.

Idolatry is a sin; we know that.  The first two of the Ten Commandments make this clear (Exodus 20:2-7). In Exodus 32 when Aaron and company proceeded to make an idol of gold, God’s anger burned against them.  We are not to worship anything but God.  Our lives are driven by what we worship; if it is not God, it is surely something else.  For some, it might be success; for others, it is money and possessions; some are driven by the praise of men, or even something as inconsequential as having an home that looks like something out of a magazine.  And yes, for some, it can be their own children.  The point is, something rules in our hearts, and unless it is God, it is an idol.

We love our children.  We sacrifice for them.  We stay up late with them while they are sick, tend to them and nurture them.  We have inexpressible joy in them.  Normally sedate women will become ferocious lionesses when someone wants to hurt their children.  There is spiritual blessing in having children.  It is not wrong to love our children.  However, sometimes, as we love them, it is difficult to see when we have crossed the line and begun to love them more than God.   Ultimately what happens is that their happiness and our good relationship with them becomes more important to us than our righteousness, our obedience, and our relationship with God.  The result is sin as we seek to serve our child who has become more important to us than our God.

When our children are more important to us than God, authority in the home is affected.  Unless a husband shares his wife’s tendency, there will be inevitable conflict between husband and wife.  Aside from the obvious assault on God’s holiness, idolizing a child can poison a family’s relationship.  In the end, a child will not thank you for setting him up as an idol; he will resent you.  No human being can take the pressure of being the centre of someone else’s worship.It also creates an unhealthy relationship between child and parent.  A child needs love, teaching, and discipline from his mother and father, not worship.  Aside from the obvious assault on God’s holiness, idolizing a child can poison a family’s relationship.  In the end, a child will not thank you for setting him up as an idol; he will resent you.  No human being can take the pressure of being the centre of someone else’s worship.

How do you know when this is happening?  What are some signs that we may be making an idol of our children?  This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few thoughts.

You excuse your child’s bad behaviour.  It’s always someone else’s fault.  You excuse their sin instead of addressing it.   You don’t believe your child would ever lie to you or do what that person said he did. You blame the youth group for not teaching them better or their teachers for polluting their minds.

You can’t bear it when they are angry with your discipline.  When you do impose consequences and boundaries, and they react badly, you try to appease them because you don’t like their anger.  You don’t like the conflict.  You will go out of our way to avoid it, even if it means neglecting to impose a godly standard.

You try to shield them from mistakes.  As they get older, you interfere with giving them freedom to try and fail at things. You jump in and fix things before they have to deal with the consequences.  This may take the form of constantly intervening with people to whom your children are responsible, like a teacher or a leader.  Instead of letting them take responsibility for something, you micromanage how they handle it so that you don’t have to see them fall.

You struggle to let them go.  Now, I realize that releasing our children to be independent is hard.  I’ve done it three times now, and it was hard every time.  However, when the grief begins to infiltrate other areas of our lives, and incapacitates us, we’re in trouble.  If God cannot fill the spaces they’ve left with their absence, we have to wonder where our true worship lies.

In all of these situations, the root of the problem is that we are looking to our children to fill what God is meant to fill.  Our hearts were meant for one God, and one God alone.  If our children replace Him, we are putting ourselves at risk, and putting them on a pedestal.  When they fall, which they inevitably will, it will devastate us.  We are not called to neglect our children, but to love them.  That, however, does not include loving them above God Himself.

Perhaps this notion seems ridiculous to you.  After all, can we ever love our children too much?  Perhaps you can’t believe that anyone would do such a sinful thing.  All I can say to that is, “been there, done that.”  Perhaps I am the only one foolish enough to get caught up in such a business.  I suspect not, though.  I am not unique by any stretch of the imagination.  As painful as this revelation was to me, and as difficult as the fallout was, I learned so much about God’s grace; more than I’d ever seen before. And it takes God’s grace for us to love our children as we should.

 

Nov 18
Love0

The Online Life of Kids

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The fact that children and teenagers now spend a good deal of their lives connected to electronic devices is hardly news. We are now accustomed to the knowledge that teenagers are seldom seen without wires in their ears and a cell phone in their hand as they multitask their way through adolescence. Now, however, there is good reason to believe that these young people are far more connected than we have even imagined.

The Kaiser Family Foundation has released a new study on the online lives of children and teenagers, and the statistics are simply astounding. America’s children and teenagers are now spending an average of more than 7 1/2 hours a day involved in electronic media.

As the report states:

As anyone who knows a teen or tween can attest, media are among the most powerful forces in young people’s lives today. Eight-to-eighteen-year-olds spend more time with media than in any other activity besides (maybe) sleeping — an average of more than 7 1/2 hours a day, seven days a week. The TV shows they watch, video games they play, songs they listen to, books they read and websites they visit are an enormous part of their lives, offering a constant stream of messages about families, peers, relationships, gender roles, sex, violence, food, values, clothes, an abundance of other topics too long to list.

Online, All the Time

The report is the third conducted and released by the Kaiser Family Foundation. Just five years ago, the foundation released a second study that indicated young Americans were spending an average of nearly 6 1/2 hours a day with media.  Now, young people have found a way to devote another hour to media use, catching the researchers by surprise. As Donald F. Roberts, a professor emeritus of communications at Stanford University, remarked: “This is a stunner.” He told The New York Times, “In the second report, I remember writing a paragraph saying we’ve hit a ceiling on media use, since there just aren’t enough hours in the day to increase the time children spend on media. But now it’s up an hour.”

And it’s not just that these kids are devoting 7 1/2 hours of their daily lives to media immersion — their multitasking means that they somehow consume nearly 11 hours of media content in that 7 1/2 hours of time. Over the last ten years, young people have increased their consumption and use of every type of media with one exception — reading. As the researchers make clear, the vast increase in the amount of time teenagers are able to access the media is due almost entirely to the fact that their mobile phones allow an online life that can be carried in the pocket (and in far too many cases, taken to bed). “The mobile and online media revolutions have arrived in the lives — and the pockets — of American youth,” notes the report. “Try waking a teenager in the morning, and the odds are good you’ll find a cell phone tucked under their pillow — the last thing they touch before falling asleep and the first thing they reach for upon waking.”

The report indicates that 66 percent of kids now own their own cell phone, while 76 percent own an iPod or other MP3 player. Interestingly, these kids are using cell phones as mobile media devices, rather than as telephones. Young people spend an average of only a half hour each day talking on their cell phones, but their use of these devices for the consumption of media consumes far more time.

The report also offers a portrait of the media-saturated character of the average American home. That home now contains an average of 3.8 televisions, 2.8 DVD or VCR players, at least one digital video recorder, two computers, 2.3 console video game players, and assorted other media devices ranging from CD players to radios. In an amazing percentage of these homes, the television is on virtually every waking hour.

Media in the Bedroom

Even as the family home is populated with various media devices, the bedrooms of America’s children and teenagers are virtually saturated with media. “More and more media are migrating to young people’s bedrooms, enabling them to spend even more time watching, listening or playing,” the researchers report. An amazing 71% of all children from age 8-18 have their own television in their bedroom, and half have a video game player and/or access to cable. These kids have computers, too. Almost a third own their own laptops and the majority have easy access to a computer, usually with broadband Internet connections.

In most homes, parents are setting few rules for media use — or no rules at all. The majority of teens and tweens reported that their parents have set no rules about the type of media content they can use or the amount of time they can devote to media consumption. When parents do set rules, they are far more likely to set rules about the type of content that can be accessed, rather than the amount of time that is devoted to media use. A good percentage of parents who do set rules, often leave them unenforced.

Parents should note this statement from the report: “Children who live in homes that limit media opportunities spend less time with media. For example, kids whose parents don’t put a TV in their bedroom, don’t leave the TV on during meals or in the background when no one is watching, or do impose some type of media-related rules spend substantially less time with media than do children with more media-lenient parents.”

Media Use, Grades, and Personal Contentment

Another important section of the report indicates that the young people who spend the greatest amount of time with media report lower grades and lower levels of personal happiness and contentment. The researchers stated that their study “cannot establish whether there is a cause and effect relationship between media use and grades, or between media use and personal contentment.” They added: “And if there are such relationships, they could well run in both directions simultaneously.”

All this should serve to awaken America’s parents — and all who care for America’s young people — to the level of media saturation that now characterizes the lives of American youth. As The New York Times declared in its headline, “If Your Kids are Awake, They’re Probably Online.”

There is no turning back from the digital revolution. It is not realistic for most families to declare a principled disconnection from electronic media and the digital world. Nevertheless, this important report serves as an undeniable warning that America’s young people are literally drowning in an ocean of media consumption. There is every reason for parents to be concerned about dangers ranging from the content of this media, to the way digital saturation changes the wiring of the brain, to the loss of literacy and the reading of books, to the fact that many teenagers are far more connected to their friends through social media than to their own families in their own homes. Teenagers are forfeiting sleep and other important investments of time because they experience panic when they are digitally disengaged for even a few moments.

What is the impact of all this media saturation on the soul? Of course, that is a question that must be posed to America’s adults, as well as to our children and adolescents. At the same time, parents bear a responsibility many are clearly forfeiting.

The Courage to Disconnect

Dr. Michael Rich, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital Boston and director of the Center on Media and Child Health, told The New York Times that the media use of America’s young people is so pervasive, it is time to stop arguing over whether this is positive or negative. Instead, he suggested that we should simply accept media as a constant part of children’s environment, “like the air they breathe, the water they drink and the food they eat.”

This is advice Christian parents cannot follow. We cannot simply accept that constant media saturation is now a fact of nature and a matter of constant need. These technologies and devices have their places, but the role of parents is to establish rules that protect children and teenagers from being dominated by technology and an army of digital devices. At the end of the day, parents must find the courage and wisdom to know when to disconnect.

This article was written by Dr. Albert Mohler and can be found on his blog, here.

Nov 15
Love0

MORE Practical Suggestions from Noel Piper

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What Happens During Service?

During service, we all sit or stand along with rest of the congregation. I share my Bible or hymnal or worship folder with my little one, because use of these is an important part of the service.

The beginning of the sermon is the signal for “notetaking” to begin. (I want a child’s activities to be related to the service. So we don’t bring library books to read. I do let a very young child look at pictures in his Bible, if he can do it quietly.) Notetaking doesn’t mean just scribbling, but “taking notes” on a special pad used just for service.  “Taking notes” grows up as the child does. At first he draws pictures of what he hears in the sermon. Individual words or names trigger individual pictures. You might pick out a word that will be used frequently in the sermon; have the child listen carefully and make a check mark in his “notes” each time he hears the word. Later he may want to copy letters or words from the Scripture passage for the morning. When spelling comes easier, he will write words and then phrases he hears in the sermon. Before you might expect it, he will probably be outlining the sermon and noting whole concepts.

Goals and Requirements

My training for worship has three main goals:

  • That children learn early and as well as they can to worship God heartily.
  • That parents be able to worship.
  • That families cause no distraction to the people around them.

So there are certain expectations that I teach the young ones and expect of the older ones:

  • Sit or stand or close eyes when the service calls for it.
  • Sit up straight and still—not lounging or fidgeting or crawling around, but respectful toward God and the worshipers around you.
  • Keep bulletin papers and Bible and hymnal pages as quiet as possible.
  • Stay awake. Taking notes helps. (I did allow the smallest ones to sleep, but they usually didn’t need to!)
  • Look toward the worship leaders in the front. No people-gazing or clock-watching.
  • If you can read fast enough, sing along with the printed words. At least keep your eyes on the words and try to think them. If you can’t read yet, listen very hard.

Creating an Environment in the Pew

For my part, I try to create an environment in our pew that makes worship easier. In past years, I would sit between whichever two were having the most trouble with each other that day. We choose seats where we can see the front better (while seated, not kneeling on the pew; kneeling leads to squirming and blocks the view of others). Each child has a Bible, offering money and worship folder at hand, so he doesn’t have to scramble and dig during the worship time.

Afterward

When the service has ended, my first words are praise to the child who has behaved well. In addition to the praise, I might also mention one or two things that we both hope will be better next time.

But what if there has been disregard of our established expectations and little attempt to behave? The first thing that happens following the service is a silent and immediate trip to the most private place we can find. Then the deserved words are spoken and consequences administered or promised.

Closeness and Warmth

On the rare occasions when my pastor-husband can sit with the rest of us, the youngest one climbs right into his lap—and is more attentive and still than usual. What a wonderful thing for a young mind to closely associate the closeness and warmth of a parent’s lap with special God-times.

A child gets almost the same feeling from being next to his parent or from an arm around the shoulder or an affectionate hand on the knee.

The setting of the tight family circle focusing toward God will be a nonverbal picture growing richer and richer in the child’s mind and heart as he matures in appreciation for his family and in awe at the greatness of God.

This was originally written by Noel Piper and can be found here.
Nov 15
Love0

Some Practical Suggestions from Noel Piper

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When our four sons grew to be young men, we assumed that the worship-training chapter of our life had ended. But God has wonderful surprises. Our youngest son was 12 when we adopted our daughter, who was just a couple of months old. So our experience with young children in the pew started more than twenty years ago and will continue a while longer.

Getting Started Step by Step

We discovered that the very earliest “school” for worship is in the home—when we help a baby be quiet for just a moment while we ask God’s blessing on our meal; when a toddler is sitting still to listen to a Bible story book; when a child is learning to pay attention to God’s Word and to pray during family devotional times.

At church, even while our children were still nursery-aged, I began to help them take steps toward eventual regular attendance in Sunday morning worship service. I used other gatherings as a training ground—baptisms, choir concerts, missionary videos or other special events that would grab the attention of a 3-year-old. I’d “promote” these to the child as something exciting and grown-up. The occasional special attendance gradually developed into regular evening attendance, while at the same time we were beginning to attempt Sunday mornings more and more regularly.

I’ve chosen not to use the church’s child care as an escape route when the service becomes long or the child gets restless. I don’t want to communicate that you go to a service as long as it seems interesting, and then you can go play. And I wanted to avoid a pattern that might reinforce the idea that all of the service is good, up until the preaching of God’s Word—then you can leave.

Of course, there are times when a child gets restless or noisy, despite a parent’s best efforts. I pray for the understanding of the people around me, and try to deal with the problem unobtrusively. But if the child won’t be quiet or still, I take him or her out—for the sake of quick discipline and for the sake of the other worshipers. Then I have to decide whether we’ll slip back into service or stay in the area reserved for parents with young children. It depends on how responsive the child seems and whether there’s an appropriate moment in the flow of the service. If we stay in the “family area” outside the sanctuary, I help my child sit quietly as if we were still in the sanctuary. By the time they are four years old, our children assume that they’ll be at all the regular weekly services with us.

Preparation All Week Long

Your anticipation and conversation before and after service and during the week will be important in helping your child learn to love worship and to behave well in service. Help your children become acquainted with your pastor. Let them shake hands with him at the door and be greeted by him. Talk about who the worship leaders are; call them by name. Suggest that your child’s Sunday School teacher invite the pastor to spend a few minutes with the children if your church’s Sunday morning schedule allows for that.

If you know what the Scripture passage will be for the coming Sunday, read it together several times during the week. A little one’s face really lights up when he hears familiar words from the pulpit.

Talk about what is “special” this week: a trumpet solo, a friend singing, a missionary speaker from a country you have been praying for.  Sometimes you can take the regular elements of the service and make them part of the anticipation. “We’ve been reading about Joseph. What do you think the pastor will say about him?” “What might the choir be singing this morning?” “Maybe we can sit next to our handicapped friend and help him with his hymnbook so he can worship better too.”

There are two additional and important pre-service preparations for us: a pen and notepad for “Sunday notes” and a trip to the rest room (leaving the service is highly discouraged).

 

Read Part 2 of this post here.

This was written by Noel Piper and can be found in it’s entirety here.

 

Oct 16
Love0

Ten Tips for Teaching Kids About God

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The most recent edition of Matthias Media’s enews newsletter had a great little list of tips for teaching young children about God. It was written by Stephanie Carmichael. Carmichael has written several books for young kids and two of them, Grumpy Day and The Birthday Party are available to read online. Here are her tips:

Teach all the time: Young children live in the moment. Help them to learn in the moment by making the most of opportunities as they arise. Talk about God in the day-to-day things you are doing.

Teach at a special time: Try to set aside a special time to read about God. Prepare for this time. If you are going to read the Bible, think about what you will read and how to simplify and explain it.

Questions and answers: Listen to your children’s questions, and give quality time to answering them. But also ask them questions about what you’ve been trying to teach to check they have understood.

Teach through your life: You are a living example (or visual aid) of someone who loves God. Set a faithful example of dependence on God and let them see you reading the Bible for yourself.

Be prayerful: Like adults, children need God’s help to grow in Christ and they can learn to pray. So pray for them and pray simple prayers with them (e.g. “sorry God that we…”, “thank you God for…”, “God, please help…”).

Be simple: Young children are not abstract thinkers so be literal and concrete. Use real examples where possible (eg. God made this flower). Use simple vocabulary that they can understand. Avoid jargon.

Be specific: Move from the specific (God loves Ben) to the general (God loves everyone). Use lots of familiar examples so that they can understand.

Repeat and repeat again: You might get tired of saying it, but remember young children thrive on repetition.

Be thankful: Approach God with thankfulness. Model to your children how we can thank God in various situations and what we can thank God for.

Be visual: Young children learn through their eyes as well as their ears. Use pictures, visual aids, picture books etc.

This article is from www.challies.com and can be found here. 

Oct 16
Love0

Listen To Them Or Lose Them

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The following is an article written by Barbara Challies and originally posted on the True Woman Blog. You can see the original here. Barbara Challies is mother to five grown children (three of them girls) and grandmother to eleven grandchildren. She and her husband, John, live in Chattanooga, Tennessee. (Yep, you guessed it . . . she’s mom to prolific author/blogger Tim Challies!)

Daughters. How we long for them and love them. But what exhausting little creatures they are! Ask almost any parent and I think you will hear the same thing. They love to talk . . . and talk . . . and talk.

Fortunately as a woman, I love to talk . . . and talk . . . and talk, as well. But I also love to listen. Over the years, I have spent an astounding number of hours listening to my three daughters. In retrospect, I think this is one of the best gifts I have ever given them. Let me explain.

All children are born with questions, big ones. I remember Susan Schaeffer Macaulay (Francis Schaeffer’s daughter) saying that every question she has heard from an adult she has also heard from a child–just presented in a different form. An adult might ask, “What are foundational, epistemological principles?” A child just asks, “How do I know I am not really a robot?” (a secret fear of mine as a child). Children need answers to big questions, desperately. One of the most important functions of a parent is “prophetic,” interpreting life to tiny people who have next to no context for determining the nature of truth and reality. What a privilege this is for the parents! What a gift to the child! The importance of this type of communication applies equally to boys and girls.

The reason girls become particularly exhausting is that the world of ideas is just one level of their being. Along with this, they have tremendous interest in the world of people. Specifically, they are extremely sensitive to people as they impact their own lives. “What did she mean by that?” “Is she really saying she doesn’t like me?” “Are they better friends than we are?” And so on. Girls twist themselves into knots responding to their own world of people. Because of this, they are often desperately insecure. And the related pain is very real.

If you don’t parent them on this level, there is generally one result. They can’t carry the burden of these emotions and they harden. As I tell my grown children, “Listen to them or lose them.” For any child, time spent with him equals love. But for girls, time “being listened to” trumps any other activity. Their need for support, to know and be known, is simply voracious. And there is nothing wrong with that. They resonate to “people vibes.” It is the way God has made them.

If you work with this, they feel known, loved, and safe. You win their hearts. They become your friends. You don’t cease to be a parent, but you have a genuine friendship, as well. And this bodes well for the future. As they get older, the bond of friendship–the horizontal bond–pulls them toward faithfulness and loyalty to you as parents just as much as the vertical bond of authority. There is just too much love and intimacy for them to easily go astray. Girls do not readily violate intimate relationships. It is just not their nature. They are “bound” with bonds of love–built on the foundation of listening.

Of course, alongside this is the nurturing of an intimate relationship with God–also built on the two layers of the objective and the personal. God and His ways fulfill both mind and heart wonderfully. When girls are well-known by parents–both the best and the worst about them–they “dare” move close to their heavenly Father because they understand grace. It has been offered to them from childhood. And it all stems from listening to them–knowing them better than they know themselves, then caring deeply and intimately for their souls. This is what they most want. They will love you deeply for it.

Sep 02
Love0

Parenting for Recovering Pharisees

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This article was originally posted on the Gospel Coalition website found here.

Cooking dinner, I hear the sounds of angry hearts bubbling over into stinging words. It gets louder, and soon someone is crying. Two boys come out into the great-room, red-faced, fists clenched, and both yelling at once. After multiple attempts, I finally gather that one had frustrated the other, who responded by kicking his brother.

I begin by saying, “Remember how Jesus said we were to treat one another?”

“I’m not Jesus!” my oldest responds immediately, his face scrunched up as his feet stomp the tile floor. He runs off to his room.

Sometimes, my children speak words that the Spirit has been trying to pierce into my heart for a while.

The pasta is boiling over. The water makes sizzling sounds as it hits the red glass cook top. I stare at it, knowing I need to leave the kitchen and talk through the conflict with them. I think of how quickly anger can overflow the heart, spattering burning hot drops of pain on anyone nearby.

Turning down the heat on the pot, I walk into the boy’s room, hoping to do the same with their anger. I find them both calm and playing with Legos. I get down on the floor, look my oldest in the eyes, and say, “I know you’re not Jesus.”

Deep into the Past

How often does a parent’s response to her child’s behavior imply that we expect perfection? The pharisaical heart has roots that dig deep into the past–back into childhood. A child can learn quickly the ways of self-righteousness. When they have behaved, they hear, “You’re such a good boy.” Over the years, they can grow to believe that the good they do comes from their own ability. When those beliefs take root, they can struggle with seeing their own sin. And perhaps even struggle with seeing their need for a Savior.

“Jesus called us to live as he lived. But he knows we can’t be perfect as he is perfect,” I tell my son. “That’s why he died for us, because we can’t do what’s right. Through faith in him, he gives us the Holy Spirit. We have his power living within us. That’s the only way we can ever obey. We need to pray and ask for his help.”

He nods his head, listening.

“When you don’t obey, remember that Jesus died for that disobedience. He loves you that much. When you feel the anger rising within you, pray and tell God you are angry. Ask him to help you to obey him.”

As a recovering Pharisee, I struggle with living as though I can earn grace. I know how the self-righteous heart can look down on those who don’t follow the rules. I don’t want my children to grow up with the heart of a Pharisee.

I do want them to know the holiness of God. I want them to know all that he expects, what he commands, and what glorifies him. I also want them to realize that they can’t perfectly obey him, and they need a Savior. I want their hearts to be grieved and humbled by their sin. I want them to run to the cross when they sin and remember his grace and mercy.

God’s grace covers even my parenting blunders. How grateful I am that his grace is greater than all my sin! I rest in his promise that he is at work in my children’s hearts despite my failed efforts. I trust in the story of redemption he is writing in their lives. And I look forward to that day when we will finally be like Jesus.

 

Christina Fox is a writer, blogger at www.toshowthemjesus.com, homeschooling mom, and coffee drinker, not necessarily in that order. She is a licensed mental health counselor and women’s Bible study teacher. She lives in sunny South Florida with her husband of 15 years and their two boys.

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